Trusting Myself – Another lesson from Mandala Painting
I approach the black, blank space feeling utter intimidation. This was to be my second mandala. The first one had taught me so much about letting go of perfectionism and yet here I was looking at that blank space and feeling anxious. I knew that I wanted to mix my own color palette and venture away from the monochromatic pallet that I had used with my first mandala. Also, in the back of my mind I knew that I wanted to start out with a dot pattern that would create a certain visual effect, but I then wondered if I would have enough courage to try some brush strokes.
I laid down that center dot and got started. As with the first mandala, when I would paint my brain would just go silent and I would lose myself in the creative process. All the challenges that I have in building my new life in France all just fade into the background and there is a quiet, peacefulness that settles in. I love it! An hour evaporates before I know it.
As I work through the initial design element, I decide on the next design element that will allow me to draw a separate series of circles and introduce a break in the design. I feel anxious, but I just tell myself to try one and see what it looks like. I can always wipe it off if I don’t like it, so I decided to try.
This morning, I was down to the next bit of blank space, at first there was this voice that just said, “fill it in with dots it will look nice, that way you won’t risk ruining it.” That voice, the voice of limitation and fear may produce a pretty mandala but what will be staring back at me when I finish is a picture of choosing ease, of not trusting myself to even try and well at this point in my life I am simply not going to take that path. I want to challenge myself, to try things that are hard, things I have never done before, that is after all so much of what my life is every day. I am building a new life, in a new language, in a new country, in a new culture and well there is very little of this journey that is easy, and I am challenged every day to try something new, to put myself out there, to ask for help, to try to communicate, to try to figure the next step out.
Like with this mandala, I am going to choose to trust myself to try, to test something out, to try to find a solution, to allow for someone to help, to allow for imperfection, to allow that feeling of the first time at something because after that the second time will be better, easier, more informed and on the path to experience, to knowing, to assuredness.
I picked up the paintbrush and laid the first brushstrokes. I will have to let you know how it goes, for now, I am trusting myself to try something new.
I love questioning everything, I find it helpful to not accept the things I am told, the things that I hear from my own mind as fact without a bit of testing or poking. The following are a few questions that you may want to ponder in your own journal, morning commute or mid-day walk.
- Is there something that I want to try that I am avoiding?
- Why am I avoiding it?
- Can I commit to trying it anyway?
- How can I trust myself more?
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In case you missed it, I have launched a YouTube channel. It is called Renee Jenais, yes, the same name that I have been writing this blog under. The translation in French means Renée I am born! This channel is going to be about me telling my story of rebirth in France, the journey to me building a meaningful life here and how I have had to change the story I tell myself to allow me to finally choose my dream and take courageous steps every day to make it come true.
I hope that you will consider following me also over on YouTube and sharing that channel with anyone you think would enjoy it.
Take care of yourselves. The photos that I am including here are from the progression of painting my 2nd mandala which I am still working on finishing. I hope you enjoy them and they help bring my words into a little more reality.
In love,
Renée
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