I live in a world full of change and I don’t say that lightly. What I do for corporations is to help them orchestrate and make changes. I have always thought of myself as someone who always thrived in change and mostly I still do but ever since COVID; I have begun a transition in my life, a transition that is seeing me moving, changing relationship forms and trying to more intentionally build my life in a way that brings me fulfillment and joy.
I have moved so many times in my life I have lost count; I think at one time, my husband and I tallied up that in our first 6 years of being together we had moved something like 5 times but this move feels different, it is about letting the dream of something go when I don’t quite know what the future will look like. It has been interesting to feel my way into this change because the closer it gets the more I feel this need to hang on to the familiar even in the areas that were not serving me. I was talking to a girlfriend last week about this and we ended up referring to this situation as the “at least it doesn’t suck” period. That time when we are signed on for creating something new but feel this need to hold on to what is familiar not because it is great for us but because in a certain way, we have accepted it as good enough. I can hear my small self, my little ego voice wanting to kick in and chastise me, “how dare you think you are worth more, why isn’t this good enough?”
I have looked at change differently through this process, I no longer look at it as something that I thrive in but a time that for slowing down, a time for paying attention to how you feel, acknowledging what comes up. Making sure that the people you love, know it, particularly those people who you may need to change your relationship with. Change can be hard but change is also full of opportunities, opportunities to reset relationships, opportunities for individuals to design their life to incorporate more of the things that make them happy, determine the parts of the relationship, the form and function of it that make both people happy, vowing to continue the goodness and let what doesn’t work go.
COVID has brought me to a time in my life that I am called to question everything, ask myself what brings me joy, look for the goodness in all of my relationships and focus my energies on that goodness. This process has brought in an air of unsteadiness as things are changing, letting go of the familiar but creating space for the new to develop at the same time. I have rarely dealt with anxiety and have always prided myself on managing stress really well, but these months have been some of the most difficult in my life. The feeling of my fight-or-flight hormones kicking in when the unsteadiness has been too much, days waking up with that gnawing sensation in my stomach that is trying to tell me that my world isn’t right, that perhaps that really is a lion hiding behind that bush.
As hard as these times have been I have used a tried-and-true process for me to deal with the unsteadiness, I have turned to my shamanism practices and I have done so in a way that has felt like my life depended on it because that has felt true for me. My practice has had me calling on my own guides and deities each day, clearing my space, clearing my energy, keeping myself from getting too attached to the collective fears that are affecting everyone right now. I have said my intentions; I have stated my prayers; I have cleared myself and my home daily; I have had fire ceremony on my own and on zoom in circle with others and while working on my stuff I have also been working on behalf of others who have asked for help and then also for the collective. It feels good to me to work not just on behalf of myself but also for others and all of humanity. This works for me and how I have found peace in the most troubling of circumstances, I have found calm from my anxiety and I have been able to reset my fight-or-flight response, all by asking the god of my beliefs and all my spirit helpers for help.
I encourage you, if you are going through hard times and feel like the changes are all too much, ask for help, ask whoever your deity is for help, leverage your spiritual relationship to everything you can, the key to it all is to ask, then forget about it and trust. Trusting that spirit brings peace. I have found that peace to be an amazing space to be as I then get to watch how spirit takes care of me and those around me.
The change is ongoing, and I am going to need to create a new familiarity but asking for help, trusting that I am cared for and staying in gratitude for whatever comes my way has at least brought me calm for today and that is all I can ask.