I need to stop!
A few weeks ago, I had a few odd circumstances come into my life, it felt like I was attracting some bad energy or something. I decided at that time that I needed a reset, I wanted to pull myself off the internet to the extent possible, I wanted to stop doing things just because I was doing them. I wanted a reset, a time out. No, I needed a time out.
You see I have this terrible tendency to take things on just because I can, they may have meaning or significance to me in the beginning but if over time they lose that significance I will continue to do them. I think I do this because I always have done them, so I don’t stop to question their actual benefit, I just continue to do.
The other factor in this is that I will take things on because this is how I function in my corporate work and how I am valued in that work. I am highly organized, highly efficient and because of this I get a great deal of things done in a day and move teams through this “doing” to deliver a transformation of some kind. My clients count on me to do this all day, every day. I can run myself like a machine when I need to but often, I feel like I can get stuck in “machine mode” without questioning it. A few weeks ago, I felt those early signs and thought to myself, it is time for a reset.
I was planning to take my little timeout to reset things and then my world changed in an instant. The man who still lived so largely in my heart as my beloved, still in my heart as my husband passed away suddenly. While we have been divorced for two years we never seemed to stray very far apart, we regularly spent time together, when something was wrong, we were each other’s first call. We were still sweet and tender with each other and spoke of our love for each other all the time. A lack of love was never the reason for the change in the form of our relationship.
I may write about us down the road perhaps but right now, I can’t it is too raw, I am in my own state of disbelief. My grief is everywhere and in every moment.
The reason that I mention this here is so that you can understand the state that I was in when I was trying to continue to operate in my machine-like way while at the same time process my grief and try to do all the things that needed to be done when someone leaves this earth.
As I tried, so much of it seemed no longer important, I found myself wondering why I was taking care of all the things, couldn’t someone else take some of this at least for a little while? I felt like I was coming apart, needing to remind myself just to breathe and allow the feelings to come as they do, not try to avoid them, or bury them.
This is when I realized that I didn’t need a reset, I just needed to stop.
I need to pull a full stop to the extent that I can. I need only the most critical tasks to keep my life going to continue, everything else I need to stop.
I need to create space for being, I need to create time for the allowing, I need to just be in this grief. I have come to a place of honoring my grief as just one more way that I am expressing my love for this man who meant so much to me. Every tear is a tear of love, every energetic wave of grief through my heart is a wave of my love for him expressing itself.
I need to sleep, eat, care for myself, be there for my stepson who is dealing with the loss of his father at a tender age, and I need to be there to honor the memory of him and see to it that the man that I love so very much has his final wishes honored. Right now, these are the only things that I need, that I can have.
I recognize that his passing has afforded me an incredible opportunity, to grow and learn and see things differently and I am making the most of it, these lessons that I am uncovering now will be upcoming blog topics but for right now I want to let you know that even here I need to stop for a little while.
I am going to stop this blog too for the summer. Taking some time to care for myself through the most intense parts of the grieving, allowing me to pay attention to the learnings. I will be back here in a few months; in the meantime, I hope you continue to write and to question.
Here are a few questions for you to take to your favorite journal, walk in nature or morning commute.
- Are you doing anything just to do it? Why?
- Where in your life do you need to stop or take a time out? Why aren’t you?
- Are you spending any energy on doings that don’t have significance or meaning?
- Are you surrounding yourself with anyone or anything that doesn’t have significance or meaning? Why?
This blog is dedicated to the process of posing questions, uncovering new layers and unexpected answers along the way. If you want to expand yourself with the power of simple, thought provoking questions, join my email community and I’ll send you a reminder when new issues are published.
I blog about once a month so you will not receive a ton of emails from me, only what I hope to be the best questions that we can ask ourselves to be better tomorrow than we were today.
In love,
Renée
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Hi Renee ,
Dear sailing friend I am so sorry to hear of your loss . I know how much you loved Todd. I send you love and hugs . I just read your post on Facebook . Gail and Ted
I remember you sharing your love and all your feelings tied to this change in relationship status with your beloved. Sending you much love and healing energy as you stop, grief his loss, and heal. <3