Did I fail so I could create something that was me?

In December I had an idea, I wanted to change the format of my writing class.  I have been taking this program that looks at my numerology, astrology and my Human Design to ensure that the things that I have in my life and the things that I am building toward are in alignment with who I am as a person.  In that program I could see my need to go deep, ask probing questions and get to the bottom of understanding.  While I loved my writing classes each week, when we have done the writing and everyone has read, I have wanted to ask questions, to get the individual to explore further what came up for them in the writing.  But those were not the rules. You see I had learned a method, a way of doing things and I had implemented that very thing.  Now yes, I had created topic centered classes where all of the writing in that class would focus us on a given topic. Yes, I had written some of my own poetry when I couldn’t find something that would curate the journey that I wanted to take my students on. And, yes, I had even used prose and journeys for my students to write from but even with all of these changes it was not enough to make it feel for me like it was my own. The method I learned was beautiful all on its own, but it didn’t feel like mine, it felt like someone else’s no matter what I did to make it my own unique version.

 

So, in December I had endeavored to put together a different kind of class, more like a writing and processing group, my excitement about this class was like being on a rollercoaster. I would be super excited one day and not want to do it at all the next.  Around this time I was uncovering more and more of my Human Design and realizing that I am made to create new things, when I come up with a new idea I get super excited, the new approaches in the class were igniting this but when I thought about the flowery language that I had placed all over the class “Meet Your Goddess” and “Free Your Goddess” I felt like I was trying to make the class sound pretty, sound pleasant so that people would want to attend but what I really wanted to create was a group of women who could really be present with the raw, real truth of what life was handing them and say the things that need to be said. 

“I feel so freaking lonely.”

“I don’t remember what normal feels like.”

“What if I never find love again?”

“What if I can’t make my marriage work?”

“What if I never have sex again?”

“I don’t even feel sexy anymore.”

“I don’t like what I see in the mirror, all I see is how I have failed me.”

“What if my father or mother dies before I get to see them again?”

“What if I lose my job?”

“What if I can’t afford medical treatment?”

“What if I get sick?”

“What if [fill in here with all of those things that scare you or keep you up at night]?” 

I wanted to uncover all of the hard stuff and have everyone lay it on the table so we would all know or remember, none of us are in this alone. Now going deep and getting below the surface of things is just who I am but I also had to acknowledge to myself that much of what was driving this was my own personal need to know that I am not in this alone. 

I think as the class got closer and I only had one student signed up, I knew what was going to happen.  I was going to need to face my own reckoning that I was not in my own integrity with my own creation, I needed to create something that is of my own complete unique nature. And whatever I created it needed to use my words in a truthful, real, clear way, truth telling is just the way I try to communicate.  I loved the idea of the Goddess, I resonate with the word but in today’s world that word leaves us wondering “just what does that mean, practically speaking?” 

So, I failed and for a few days last week that energy of failure moved around and through me, but I knew that there was no way I was going to let it take hold and convince me of its truth. I believe I have an innate power within me to create and when I do so from a place of my own aligned integrity then there really is no such thing as failure or success; there is just creation of value and that value finding those who most need it. 

So, for now, I am not running a class, at least not that kind of class. I don’t know when I will run my next class and if I do what it will look like. I am however starting a research project. I am diving into the Empowered Feminine. I will share more about this project as it takes shape but for now, I am continuing to find my own Empowered Feminine.  I will continue to write here and share my journey also on You Tube, sharing my journey reminds me that I am not in this thing alone, all you other beautiful humans are in this soup with me. I am committed to building my life in a way that uses my own unique gifts and talents. I am committed to contributing to making the world a better place but not at the cost of my own joy & happiness. I am committed to giving my best along the way.  I am committed to remembering that giving my best is enough, that I am enough.  You see, I already know that all of you are enough and I am grateful that you have found these words along your own journey and that in some way they remind you, that you aren’t in this thing called life alone.

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