The other day I was reflecting on this last year and I was called back to a Thursday last fall, 2019, yeah that one that feels like a lifetime ago when everything felt “normal”. I was driving from my client site to the airport in the rental car of the week. This was my routine every Thursday. As I sit here right now it feels foreign having not traveled now for 9 months.
But on this particular Thursday I had been talking with a friend of mine, she had been telling me what was going on in her life and I remember remarking to her that I was so amazed at the amount of freedom that she had in her life. We hung up the phone and I continued my drive thinking about how absolutely far away any degree of freedom felt to me at that time.
I remember feeling like I had trapped myself by all of the things that I had said yes to, all of the people that I had willingly taken care of. You see, I had given so much to everyone else and demanded so little for myself whether that was from myself or from everyone else in my life that I felt trapped by what I had created and unsure of how to change it. It was a cage of my own making.
Have you ever found yourself in this similar situation? Feeling like you have given more than you have to give? Have you ever felt like in the doing of life you somehow left behind yourself and all of the things that you dreamt about for your life?
Over those initial months after that recognition, I continued in my regular routine, doing life unconsciously, just getting through the next thing in front of me, going, working, coming home, leaving home, doing, going, doing, going and of course nothing changed, until Covid.
The gift of Covid for me was to find myself sat squarely in that cage of my own making and no real ability to escape looking at it.
I felt as though my life was being directed by everyone around me, now I want to be clear, I am not blaming this on anyone but me, this was my perception and reality of my own life. I remember sitting in my living room one morning sipping on my coffee and wondering what happened to all of my dreams and adventures. I have always said that I never wanted to live what I referred to as a “white picket fence” life. This is no judgement on white picket fences or the people that have them, it is about what that term means to me. For me that term means living unconsciously, not trying to improve myself, being accepting of the status quo, living the “okay” or “average” life, the life that would be described like “well it doesn’t suck”. That was not my dream, my inner gypsy and adventurer has always dreamt of travel, experiences, seeing the world, getting to know people deeply, figuring out what makes them relate to each other the way they do and ultimately to leave this world a better place than I found it. These things make up my dreams and I had let them get buried behind a “white picket fence”.
During these days of recognition, questioning if it was as bad as it felt, I began to recognize this feeling in my gut, it was this knowing that if I continued my life as it was headed that it would be a soul death for me, not necessarily a physical death but my soul dying off, having given up on any hope of ever accomplishing the mission that I had come into this life for. As someone who has always been spiritual, always called to her greater mission and purpose in this life, with every fiber of my being I knew what my choice had to be even if it meant having to do the thing that I was the most afraid of, chancing ending up alone.
In order to begin the process of freeing myself, what I have come to call Freeing the Goddess, I needed to make changes even when I was afraid, I needed to step off the cliff’s edge when I couldn’t see the bottom and trust that I wouldn’t plummet to my death.
Over the summer I began the process of stepping back into my own personal power, beginning the process of remembering my own dreams, questioning my fears, how I had gotten myself in the cage in the first place. Why couldn’t I say no when I needed to? What was I afraid of? What was the real value of doing all of the things that I was doing? All of those things that were so valuable a year ago that with Covid just stopped, that was the first layer to acknowledge but there was a deeper layer below that, the layer of things I filled myself and my time with, in order to fill the hole that had been left when my goals and dreams were put aside. How I kept myself so “busy” I wouldn’t feel how lonely I was, how unhappy I was with myself! During those dark days, I would walk around my neighborhood and cry wondering how I had gotten where I was and wonder if I would have enough courage to see myself out of it knowing that it would also be a hard transition for the people I love. Every time I would have that thought that I needed to take care of others more I would get this physical sensation in my gut and be reminded by my intuition that if I did that, my soul’s purpose would have its light extinguished and again I just knew that I needed to continue.
As I sit here today, I do so on my own, navigating and self-directing my life, continuing the process of Freeing the Goddess, these days I feel like I am more in the phase of connecting back to her really, connecting to her juiciness, what excites me, I am getting to know deeply my own needs, wants and desires again and awakening to the things that I have always dreamed of.
Today, the Goddess is Free and is being led by her soul’s mission and purpose as it is evolving!
If you are wondering if your Goddess is roaming free, you can join me in my free class on January 13th where I will lead you on a path to evaluate the nature of your Goddess. Click here to sign up!
If you know without a doubt that your Goddess is locked up or if you hear the word Goddess and feel like somehow that door missed you altogether! Sign up for my 12-week Free the Goddess course, we will be writing, deeply processing and creating changes each week that you can make to free your Goddess! Warning, this class is for people who want to go deep and commit to making significant changes in their life for the better. The courageous can click here to sign up!