It is over, the holidays, that period of time shrouded in a mountain of expectations. Expectations around how we show up, when we show up, with whom we show up. As I am positive, I am not alone in this sentiment, I wanted the holidays to be over, to be released from the expectations even though those expectations were mostly of my own making.
This was my first holiday alone and that was hard, another milestone of releasing an ideal that I had had that just wasn’t to be in the way that I had truly wanted. I wanted that milestone to move on down the road into its place in history and me to move quickly through that feeling of heaviness I felt in my heart for the past many months. Covid didn’t help certainly but in my total honesty Covid had very little to do with the heaviness I was feeling, for me it had much more to do with letting go. Letting go of an ideal of love, of commitment and of partnership that just wasn’t working.
Just after Christmas I finally got to attend a writing class with my writing mentor Laurie Wagner, it is a regular class that she holds as a part of her writing family and I rarely get to attend with a standing client meeting in that coveted Monday 8am slot but with the holidays among us and time off from project work I was free, and I longed to attend. During the class, I found myself writing to some jump off lines from a poem by Cleo Wade titled “Okay”. It is one of those repetitive poems that starts each line with “It is okay….” On this morning I dove into the writing practice wanting to find all of the things in my life that I was okay with, I was actually feeling energized by the thought of finding all of those things I could feel good about that I had created but as this style of writing goes sometimes my subconscious mind steered me in a different direction.
This is my version of It’s okay:
It’s okay that I feel overwhelmed by opening my eyes some days.
It’s okay that I am wishing the hurt of 2020 into the past.
It’s okay that I am no longer buying the love of those around me and finding out that that love was conditional after all.
It’s okay that I am 57 and starting over.
It’s okay that I am along right now.
It’s okay that somedays I choose to binge watch Netflix and only get out of bed to walk the dog.
It’s okay that somedays the easiest choice to make is to leave the pen and grab mop instead.
It’s okay that I am worried, scared and fearful of the future.
It’s okay that there is a voice in my head that is cruel and hurtful wanting me to accept so little for myself and scaring me into thinking I should accept it.
It’s okay that I melted that piece to the dog’s bowl in the dishwasher and had to buy a new one.
It’s okay that I washed the bathroom rug and the out of balance cycle moved the washer so much I now need help to move it back in order to close the closet door.
It’s okay to need help, I feel like that phrase should be a mantra because deep inside me it feels too vulnerable to need anyone.
It’s okay that the very thought of needing someone brings tears and terror.
It’s okay that you are wearing more of your years than ever before.
It’s okay that you hardly know anyone here.
It’s okay that you have dreams that feel terribly unachievable.
It’s okay that the best part of your day somedays is savoring the intensity of your coffee and watching the stillness of the ocean.
It’s okay that these days you are wanting to go deep and avoid it at the same time.
It’s okay that your heart feels broken into a million pieces and your tears feel like they could fill an ocean.
After I wrote that I struggled with what I had written, later that day I had a call with my Shamanic Warrior sister Diane who is an amazing spiritual coach, energy healer and just plain miracle worker. I shared what I had written with her and explained that I was struggling with it. She reminded me of the Toltec teaching of Accepting without Accepting and she was spot on, that was exactly what I was doing. Those things that I was writing, while yes, I was okay that they are the truth of this moment right here right now, but I am in no way saying that it is okay that those things become my truth for any longer, they will not be the truth of my future.
And with that reminder, the heaviness that I had felt from what I wrote, shifted. I felt lighter accepting my currently reality but knowing that none of those things are okay in my future and I was going to make sure they didn’t have a home in that future either.
It is okay but it is also not okay.
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