I have written three blogs in the last three days and yet I can’t seem to get any of them to the point where I feel good about posting them.
One blog about how I am feeling as I educate myself about racism doesn’t feel appropriate to post as I still feel extremely ill equipped to discuss the topic and well frankly, I don’t want to be one more white voice in the crowd, the topic belongs to those who have been harmed for so long. I just need to focus on getting smarter about it.
A second blog about being raised tough by my parents leads me too close to the mess of a relationship that I had with my now deceased mother that today with all of life feeling just a bit tenuous, I am finding that I just don’t have the emotional wherewithal to sort through that one enough to talk about it coherently here. I ran it around on paper for a while and just threw up the white flag for now, a topic to come back to another day when I am feeling like I have worked those words to the point that they accurately reflect my truth on the topic but that isn’t today.
Finally, a third blog about my own wanderlust, the fact that I am feeling trapped, Covid, the lock down, wanting to be reasonably careful. I am used to traveling every week so going on three months at home with no end in sight has me feeling trapped, cabin fever. Blah, blah, really, do I want to complain about the fact that I can’t get on a plane and get a vacation right now given what is happening everywhere. Nope, that felt totally out of touch. Although my Wise & Wild Woman writing group will be writing on the topic of how we as women trap ourselves, that too is still too close to an open and bleeding wound to be sorted through here.
At the end of the day I end up staring at this page just wanting to put down my truth as it stands right here, right now.
Right here, right now, life feels entirely messed up and I just don’t have words for it.
Right here, right now, the world seems like it too is fighting an uphill battle that requires at least this one voice to be educated before it utters a sound.
Right here, right now, I feel like everything in my life is like walking through quicksand.
Right here, right now, I am battle weary, wondering why everything feels like a fight, I am not a fighter by nature, I will stand firm yes, but I am not a fighter, I will try to avoid it if at all possible and yet it feels like right now everyday there is a battle, either right in front of me or right around me. Why, I wonder? This is a hard-enough time to live through without having to battle my way through it.
Right here, right now, this is what you say when there is nothing that feels right to say, and you have made a pact for truth telling.