After weeks of texting and talking for hours on the phone, our first date was 30 hours in San Francisco. Still being committed to my own growth I vowed to be present to my own experience, to stay in the moment, don’t compare to the past as that would be pointless and don’t head off into the future because that too would be pointless.
Just be in the here and now. Be curious. What was this that I was feeling? Who was this person? I wanted to know every detail.
For me it was the best first date ever, I had been so present that I felt like I really knew a lot by the end of those hours, and I knew that I wanted to know so much more. As he was getting ready to leave, I suggested that we look at calendars and plan when we could see each other next. I wanted something to look forward to.
I had set my expectations at about a month when I asked the question because we had talked about our calendars, I knew that he had travels coming up as did I and they didn’t exactly match up.
He looked at me and said, “I am leaving for Mexico on Monday. Is there any chance that you could join me down there for a few days before you head off to French Polynesia?”
I asked if he was serious, and he said he was. I grabbed my phone to consult my calendar and decided to throw caution to the wind and said, “How about Friday?” The response was “Perfect!”
When I flew home a few days later from San Francisco and within 10 minutes of being in front of my computer I had booked the flights, taken Friday and the following Monday off from my client and stacked up a few days that would be insane to get through before I would leave that next Thursday for French Polynesia.
It made my calendar look crazy, but I didn’t care, I wanted to follow the feeling that was going on inside me.
The next day, I was sitting at my desk at home, in between meetings, staring out the window looking at the Pacific Ocean as I often do for perspective. I was replaying our phone conversations, our time together, the ongoing daily connection with texts and calls and I felt it, this swelling feeling in my chest.
My mind jumped in at top speed. “Oh no, no, no, no. It can’t be, it is too fast, if it is too fast it can’t be real.” These words were the incessant loop of my mind in high gear. I just let it spin and tried to redirect it into work knowing that I thankfully had a call with my warrior sister Diane that afternoon.
By the time our call started, my mind had spun up quite the ball of energy around this too fast equals not real story so when we started the call, I just began to spew that story, the loop of words, on repeat. Thankfully Diane knows me well, she knows that my mind can do this and if we just let the energy drain itself then we can get somewhere.
When I was done, she said this to me, “Now get your mind out of this, sink into your heart and describe what you are feeling.” I did. She saw the knowing come across my face as I felt it throughout my entire being, I took a deep breath and just said, “I love him.”
It was my truth and there it was, just a simple fact, not a crisis, just a knowing. Diane said that she had seen it on my face when we got on the call.
With this knowing I had a choice, I could hold onto it, protect myself perhaps, or I could just own my truth and tell him regardless of where he was at in his own process. I decided that so far at every step of this I have chosen to own my truth, step forward with courage despite the fear. I chose to own my truth with him too. Telling him felt like setting my heart free, it was an amazing feeling.
In the past I have tried to “figure out” love, I have tried to make it into a choice to be made, something to dedicate myself to but this wasn’t any of those things, it was just a knowing like a fact of nature that couldn’t be denied or refuted, it just was.
I have always desired a great love in my life, a great loving life partnership and that has been elusive mostly because for one reason or another I would put myself in relationships where I couldn’t be fully who I am.
Spending these last two years in deep processing, getting to know myself, learning my own internal language, developing my spiritual gifts and dedicating myself to becoming who I would want to have has a partner in this great loving partnership that I was seeking; all of it has been a journey filled with facing myself, owning my truth and getting very distinctly clear about me and what I want in my life. The result is that I have become my own loving partner in this life and that has provided a foundation for everything else.
I had blown my life up, in many ways, two and half years ago and I had decided to rebuild it by first rebuilding myself and that process happened by asking myself many, many hard questions along the way.
Here are some questions for you to ponder either in the shower or in your journal, wherever your inspiration shows up:
- What do you truly love in your heart? Or who?
- How do you own your truth? How do you speak it out loud to yourself and others?
- What do you want to create in your life? Who do you want to become in this life?
Writing for me is about posing questions to myself, forcing myself to grow in this way, answering my own hard questions. If you want to question yourself, if you want to continue to pursue the best version of you then subscribing to my email list will provide you with an opportunity to question yourself too. I blog about once a month so you will not receive a ton of emails from me, only the best questions that we can ask ourselves to be better tomorrow than we were today.
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