Relating in Death
I was sound asleep, so cozy and comfortable. As I began to awaken, I felt him next to me. He was spooning me as he usually did. I felt his skin against my skin, I felt this electric current running between us. As my brain began to awaken more and I came into full consciousness, I remembered, he was gone and yet I felt him so clearly next to me. Then I heard him whisper to me, “Don’t worry sweetheart, I knew that you needed me as much as I needed you.” He was right about that. I was living with the shock of his passing as much as he was, he didn’t expect to go and I didn't expect to lose him.
As had been the case for the last 15 years, in the hardest moments we turned toward each other. His spirit had come to be with me, and I felt it.
I knew this was possible since I have had it happen before. When my grandparents passed they had come to check on me one last time in those days just after their passing. My spiritual work also makes me open to this possibility, so this was not scary at all, it was a loving gift.
In those following days this was a regular occurrence, I would crawl into bed at night and finally allow myself to let the tears flow. In those moments he would show up and hold me as I grieved. I found this very comforting while at the same time I didn’t know how long this could or would continue, I just longed to savor every precious moment. The part of me in deep grief wanted it to last forever, the logical part of me knows that it couldn’t.
Then there were the random moments when I would smell his cologne as strong as if he had just put it on and was standing next to me. One day, I was taking my usual walk down by the waterfront. I had started my walk a little late and it was getting dark. There is an area around the library that I needed to walk through that can be a little sketchy. As I rounded the corner to walk through that area, I noticed a group of men in the middle of the sidewalk, this was just the kind of thing that would raise my nerves. At that moment, I felt his hand slip into mine and he whispered to me, “Don’t worry, you aren’t alone, I am right here, and I am going to walk you home.” And he did, the entire way, I felt his energetic hand in mine. As we approached my door, he told me he loved me, and he was gone.
There was a period in September and October when he would show up randomly and remind me about something that had happened during our life together, something that he now wanted to make amends for. It was like he had an entirely new level of understanding of who I was and who he was. He wanted me to know that he wished he had done things differently. It felt like he could finally know how much he was loved, and he could love so much more freely than he could while he was here. He was released from the bonds of his own earthly story.
One day on my walk I remembered this book that I had read back in the spring, Messages from the Masters by Brian Weiss, M.D. Dr. Weiss has done research into past life regression with patients under hypnotherapy. I remembered that that book had talked about the fact that he had uncovered in his research that when we die and go to the other side, we go through this process of reliving every detail of our life to learn the lessons from it and prepare for the next. For people who know they are dying that process can begin on this side of the veil but for people who die suddenly it all happens on the other side.
It was in that moment that I realized that that was what was happening, he was reliving his life to gain the lessons, and, in that process, he was showing up and making amends.
I really have to say that it is the loving way that he has shown up for me since his death that has been one of the most beautiful gifts and allowed me to move through the hardest of the grief.
While his visits in the last month have become less frequent, he still reminds me that he is right here, looking out for me and the rest of our family. He also reminds me that I need to live, love, and enjoy the rest of my life and that is what I am getting into doing, lots more to come on that.
Here are a few questions for you to take to your favorite journal, walk in nature or morning shower.
- If you knew that you were going to die, what would you want to make amends for? Don’t wait, do it now, each day is a gift and none of us know how long we have.
- Where in your life can you see beauty in the struggle? Every hard thing we go through usually has gifts for us, but we must look for them.
- How in this time of the new year can you step more fully into your life? What would bring more life to your life?
I blog because I love the process of posing questions, uncovering new layers of myself, uncovering those unexpected answers along the way even in struggles. If you want to question yourself, then subscribing to my email list will ensure you have an opportunity to do that. I blog about once a month so you will not receive a ton of emails from me, only what I hope to be the best questions that we can ask ourselves to be better tomorrow than we were today.
In love,
Renée
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