Dreams, Doors & Decisions

The day before had been my birthday. My dad and I had spoken about him going into hospice care and yet this morning, a different door opened.

You see, since I was a small child and heard my great grandfather speaking French and speaking about his homeland, I had this fantasy of living there, of speaking the language of feeling at home in a place that felt connected to me. I can’t tell you why I felt so strongly about this at such an early age, but I can remember telling my elementary school friends that I would live in France one day. It is funny now because in elementary school I am not sure I even knew where France was, and I certainly didn’t know what this dream of mine would one day mean.

I will say that over the years, this dream has never died, I have traveled to France several times and continued to work on improving my French language skills and utilizing the Covid shut down to double down on my French instruction.

As I have gotten older, I have just always felt so confident that there would be an opportunity at the right time to make my dream a reality. A time when I would have less responsibilities here in the US that would create an opportunity for me to have that experience.

On this morning, a call from a friend and colleague about a potential corporate project in France had me saying yes to having my name tossed in, not yet knowing much else but feeling like the universe had just sent me, not just a sign but a cannon shot over the bow, that my dream was being set up to become a reality, if I would choose it. In that moment I had a chill run through my body which for me is a signal that the universe is trying to tell me something.

I just thought to myself, “okay, I don’t know if this project is really the thing, but message received, France is in my near future.” I was a YES, I didn’t know how, and I certainly couldn’t go right now but I was on board for the plan, whatever the universe had in store.

Blog 74-Dreams Doors Decisions

Over the course of the next several weeks, this open door just sat there open while I tended to the door closing on my father’s life and now another door closing with the passing of his wife just four weeks after him. She just couldn’t do life without his care; it did not come as a surprise to any of us. He said in his final days that she wouldn’t be here long, and he was right.

Doors have continued to close while I have recognized that my life where I am is at an inflection point, any decision that I might make would plant me here for the long term thus likely making my dream a distant memory. But with all inflection points I can choose differently.

Over these past few weeks, I have continued to ask myself “can I really do this?” and “if not now than when?” This past weekend I spoke to all three of my children about this, my relationships with them are the most important thing, I needed to talk about what I would want to do to maintain our connection. How I would still be available to support them in their own lives and beginnings? And what important events that I would not miss and yet, acknowledging that week in and week out things that I would. I needed to talk to my youngest since his father’s passing, I am much more aware of how best I can be there for him knowing that he has other support around him but acknowledging that he and I have a very important shared history together with his dad whose memory we together can keep alive. All my children were supportive and know that I am not leaving their lives at all, they will remain a priority for me.

During those days of looking at that work opportunity, because of the way that the client would have wanted the deal structured, it forced me to look at what it would take to set up my consulting company in France. This is not something I would have ever thought to do, it is something I would have assumed was not possible. To be in the client negotiations with a much more informed presence, I met with a French business advisor. As it turns out, there is a path and not one that feels impossible to walk.

As I sit here today, the business opportunity served its purpose and got me more informed and then left as quickly as it came which feels like the right outcome. I don’t feel like it was ever the necessary outcome, its purpose was to point me to getting more informed about my options.

Death has continued to be a teacher and now more than ever I feel a value to my own life that I have never felt before, a drive to not waste it, a call to not let my dreams fall into that “one day maybe” category but to move toward them actively and consciously. If not now, then when?

Here are a few questions for you to take to your favorite journal, walk in nature or morning shower.

  • What do I dream to do in my life?
  • For each dream, explore the question, if not now then when?
  • What keeps you from your dream? Is there a way to take care of those things?
  • What can I do today to move me actively and consciously toward living my dream?

I blog because I love the process of pondering my experiences, questioning myself, uncovering new layers, identifying the lessons along the way even in the struggles and yes, even in the losses. If you want to question yourself, then subscribing to my email list will ensure you have an opportunity to do that. I blog about once a month, maybe twice a month so you will not receive a ton of emails from me, only what I hope to be the best questions that we can ask ourselves to be better tomorrow than we were today.

In love,

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