Dreams, Doors & Decisions

Over the course of the next several weeks, this open door just sat there open while I tended to the door closing on my father’s life and now another door closing with the passing of his wife just four weeks after him. She just couldn’t do life without his care; it did not come as a surprise to any of us. He said in his final days that she wouldn’t be here long, and he was right.

Doors have continued to close while I have recognized that my life where I am is at an inflection point, any decision that I might make would plant me here for the long term thus likely making my dream a distant memory. But with all inflection points I can choose differently.

Over these past few weeks, I have continued to ask myself “can I really do this?” and “if not now than when?” This past weekend I spoke to all three of my children about this, my relationships with them are the most important thing, I needed to talk about what I would want to do to maintain our connection. How I would still be available to support them in their own lives and beginnings? And what important events that I would not miss and yet, acknowledging that week in and week out things that I would. I needed to talk to my youngest since his father’s passing, I am much more aware of how best I can be there for him knowing that he has other support around him but acknowledging that he and I have a very important shared history together with his dad whose memory we together can keep alive. All my children were supportive and know that I am not leaving their lives at all, they will remain a priority for me.

During those days of looking at that work opportunity, because of the way that the client would have wanted the deal structured, it forced me to look at what it would take to set up my consulting company in France. This is not something I would have ever thought to do, it is something I would have assumed was not possible. To be in the client negotiations with a much more informed presence, I met with a French business advisor. As it turns out, there is a path and not one that feels impossible to walk.

As I sit here today, the business opportunity served its purpose and got me more informed and then left as quickly as it came which feels like the right outcome. I don’t feel like it was ever the necessary outcome, its purpose was to point me to getting more informed about my options.

Death has continued to be a teacher and now more than ever I feel a value to my own life that I have never felt before, a drive to not waste it, a call to not let my dreams fall into that “one day maybe” category but to move toward them actively and consciously. If not now, then when?