Give me a break!
It is Sunday morning; the alarm goes off at 6:30am. Yes, on purpose. At 8am I have my bi-weekly Lifebook accountability group meeting. You see, three years ago now, I went through the Lifebook program which has you build a book that represents your vision and strategy for twelve key areas of life and then it is this vision and strategy that guides my annual goals and the focus that I have each month.
On this Sunday morning, I remembered that in our meeting two prior I had committed to reviewing and updating my plan for 2024. Since I had, after all detonated an “if not now than when” bomb into that plan. Immediately, the voice of my ego jumped on the train of chastising me for making a commitment and not following through. It was in that moment that I sat back and began to replay the last two weeks, thinking initially that I was going to find that critical breakdown moment where something else took over and now I am living with the aftermath of not having the plan update done.
As I sat there replaying the last two weeks I realized that I had written and completed a business plan, I had moved along both the estate of my beloved but also the estate of my father and his wife, I had flown to Michigan and completed their burial ceremony and….and….and….as the list of things that I had done materialized I found myself no longer looking for that spot that I had failed but instead recognizing that I had in fact been taking care of the life that I have, not the life that I dream about.
As I sat there, looking at the entire picture I recognized the trap that I had laid for myself. In my plan for the year was a bunch of personal growth items that I had wanted to take on, books I wanted to read, programs I wanted to complete but when it comes right down to it, I don’t want to choose those things above actually living my life.
Yes, I have dreams and things that I want to “achieve” but these days, with the lessons that death has taught me in the last year none of those things are really about the standard diet of achievement. None of those things are about how much money I have or the place I live or the things that I accumulate. All my dreams are around experiences, people, and the quality that I inject into my life.
I was talking with a friend about my dream of living in France and she asked me what makes that dream special. While I know my connection genealogically to France and the cultural norms that remind me of growing up in a very French cultured environment with my great grandparents; what brings it to life for me is thinking about groceries and the mundane experiences in my day-to-day life.
You see, each week today if I need groceries, I get on my Amazon app on my phone. I place my Amazon Fresh order and a few hours later my doorbell rings. I open the door and my grocery bags are there to put away. I never spoke to a person; I never even saw the person who dropped them off. The entire experience is the height of efficiency and the most inhuman experience.
When I think about grocery shopping in France and my experiences of it there, it is about the local market or the farmers markets, it is about the boulangerie for a daily baguette, it is about speaking with the people. Being asked what I am cooking so the best selection of produce can be had. It is about the aroma of fresh baking bread. It is about walking through the farmers market and speaking with the farmer who picked the ears of corn the day before. My experience of this daily life process in France is full of the human, it is full of connection.
Now, yes, I could choose to go to the grocery store here and change my experience a little bit, but it still would not be the same. The last time I went to the grocery store physically, it was a struggle for parking, it was a struggle to get my cart down the aisle in a very crowded store and nothing smelled fresh. I grew up being taught by my grandmother to smell the fruit to know its ripeness but none of our fruit smells like anything anymore. I miss blueberries that taste like blueberries. For me, I know that my experience will not change unless I consciously choose something different.
It is this difference in experience and the quality that it brings into my life that I desire the most. Smaller, less choices, slower, more interaction, more people, less stuff and shutting off that voice in my head that has bought into the formula of achievement, accumulation and the constant doingness that we have been fed.
Here are a few questions for you to take to your favorite journal, walk in nature or morning shower.
- What did I do last week? Why did I do those things?
- If money was no consideration, what would I have chosen to do last week?
- What does your ego chastise you for not doing? What is the ego’s argument?
- How do you truly feel about the ego’s argument?
- How can you be a little gentler with yourself? How can you give yourself a break?
- What could you do to make today feel more beautiful, connected, or gentle?
I blog because I love the process of pondering my experiences, questioning myself, uncovering new layers, identifying the lessons along the way even in the struggles. If you want to question yourself, then subscribing to my email list will ensure you have an opportunity to do that. I blog about once a month, maybe twice a month so you will not receive a ton of emails from me, only what I hope to be the best questions that we can ask ourselves to move our life toward our dreams each day.
In love,
Renée
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I cheer you on in your dreams and I send love and hugs to hear of the loss of your dad and his wife . Your dad I can tell was truly a wonderful dad . He lives on through you 💕